literature

TPOH - Chapter Seventeen

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          A year had passed and I was nowhere near I thought I would be. If one would ask: "Could you imagine yourself being a mother at the age of twenty six, having people around you who love you dearly and wholeheartedly, and being happy with the way your life turned out to be?" my answer would be – no, I couldn't and I most certainly would think that the person was joking, but … if I would want to be completely honest with myself, I would think far beyond the words and imagine the life that one would ask me if I could imagine myself living. I would imagine myself in that person's shoes and realize that no dreams or expectations could be as good as the reality itself. I was happy, I was completely and utterly happy with my life right there, right that moment and I regretted nothing, absolutely nothing.

          It was a beginning of May, exactly the same day I arrived in the Culver City a year ago, only now instead of gazing at my new house, I was looking down at my three month young baby boy, who was sleeping peacefully on the huge bed, tucked in his baby blue blanket and surrounded with Pythagoras's white fur.

          Theodore Mori-Leto survived. He was God's gift after all and the thought of actually having him here within my reach, brought tears to my eyes. He was so beautiful and so small, my little angel. Theodore's little chubby cheeks were tinted with a healthy pink shade, as his little form was dressed in a warm little jumpsuit I have bought that one day in the baby store with Constance. His little head was covered with dark feathery like straight hair that reminded me so much of his father.

          Things between Shannon and me got a bit weird after my breakdown in the hospital. I couldn't believe that I actually broke down in front of the man that was the father of my son and he was there, holding me and whispering comforting words in my ear. The feeling of Shannon so close to me stirred up emotions I was trying so hard to get rid of. I didn't need him so close – it was unacceptable, but I let him hold me, let him stroke my back and say that everything would be alright. I needed that no matter how hard I tried to push him and the feelings away. I clung to his arms so forcefully, but even if Shannon noticed, he said nothing about it. The comfort I felt was so uncommon and so addicting that I found myself craving for it ever since.

          I looked down at the sleeping baby and sighed, feeling my lips curve into a content smile.

          Constance and Ruby were ecstatic the first time they laid their eyes on Theodore. Constance's first words were: "He looks just like Shannon the day he was born." And with that images took over my mind – what would Theodore look like when he'll grow up, his first words, his first steps … Maybe he will play drums, just like Shannon … Maybe, just maybe Shannon will be there to see and experience it all, and maybe, just maybe we'll be like a real family after all.

          A family. The term was so foreign to my mind and I was willing to do anything that was within my power to make Theodore know what it was. Just because mine was messed up beyond repair didn't mean that Theodore had to go through it all. Theodore had a great grandmother, a grandmother, a father and a mother, and people who loved him. He had everything already and that made me feel so happy. I succeeded! For once in my life I felt like I did a good thing and God rewarded me with an angel that was sleeping peacefully on my huge bed.

          Even Pythagoras seemed to develop love of some sort for the baby. He was always there for him, always watching the little bundle of joy, never letting him out of his sight. Sometimes I took pictures of both of them, without even Pythagoras noticing. He was so enchanted by the baby that the whole world around seemed to disappear.

          "Hey," a soft voice whispered and I looked up seeing Vicki standing in the doorway. I smiled and greeted her back with a whisper. It wasn't a surprise that Vicki would come for a visit; she did it almost every day now when the baby was finally home.

          The thing about Vicki was that sometimes I saw longing in her eyes when she looked down at Theodore. She had this expression that I couldn't read at first, but wrapped my mind around it after Alona hinted on the fact that she behaved strangely – Vicki was ready to make her own family. It was a good thing that she had Tomo, they have been together forever, but neither of them have thought about having children just yet – Tomo was successful with his band and Vicki, well, she wasn't ready for it, as she have said it herself, but I think her thoughts on the topic changed when she learned that I was pregnant and she began to long for her own little bundle of joy when Theodore came to this world.

          To be completely honest, having a baby was the last thing on my mind and never would I imagine having a baby with Shannon. He didn't strike me as a family kind of man, more like a rocker which he of course was. But Tomo and Vicki, they had this connection between them, a true love that was like a miracle, and I could easily picture Tomo being a father, holding the little baby in his arms. Maybe my imagination was so vivid because he got to hold Theodore not only once and each time the sight was breathtaking. Theodore felt in love with uncle Tomo instantly – he made these weird sounds with his little mouth – blowing small bubbles and giggling whenever he had a chance to grab one of Tomo's long, dark lock.

          "He's so beautiful," Vicki whispered sitting beside me on the bed, looking down on the sleeping child. There it was again, the spark in her beautiful eyes and it made my heart ache for her. I felt her desire for a child like it was my own. I admit, I did miss Theodore being inside of me, growing in my belly just below my heart, but … having him within my reach was far greater than waiting for him to see the daylight, my beautiful baby.

          "Yes he is," I smiled whispering to Vicki, studying her for a little while more, comforting silence enveloping us, before broke it with a question that have been running through my head for a while now, "now when you had a small glimpse of what it is like, would you like to be a mother yourself?"

          She looked up at me, her face blank and the small smile that was gracing her lips just seconds before, was whipped away like it was never there. Her fingers left Theodore's little feet as she looked down at her arms, avoiding my gaze. I felt a bit guilty for asking her the question, it was too painful, I could imagine, but … What was the problem there? She was not going to be young forever and she was as good as being married.

          "I am ready," she spoke, breaking my train of thoughts. "But I can't do it to Tomo," and when she looked back up at me, I could see the tears behind her beautiful eyes. She hurt, she hurt badly and I felt the need to take her in my arms and whisper comforting words, just to make the pain fade away.

          "I'm so sorry, Vicki," I said embracing my friend in a warm hug, letting her feel all the comfort I was willing to give her. I was sorry, I was so sorry for making her feel vulnerable in front of me and make her confess on such intimate topic, but sometimes I spoke before really thinking about the words that would leave my mouth, and I didn't realize that I was hurting those around me. "I'm so sorry."

          "It's not your fault, Helena." She whispered, stroking my arm as felt the relief washing over my form. "It's just something that I have to get used to."
Vicki made her way through my arms and whipped away the small tears that have left her beautiful eyes. She smiled at me before looking back down at Theodore, "maybe you don't realize it just yet, but you and Theodore mean the world to Shannon."

          I tried to understand what she just said, but my mind seemed to be too shallow to read between the lines, if there were any. Shannon caring about me and the child? Of course, Theodore was his flesh and blood, but me … I was just the woman that had carried his child, brought him into this life and nothing more. Besides, he already had a woman … that blonde he was all over those months ago at a party Jared and he was hosting. It was the night when the war had started and never have I felt so violated before. I was so ashamed and so afraid of him, never have I seen Shannon so angry before, well, that was before I saw him on my doorstep accusing me for lying to him about the pregnancy.

          I didn't lie; I was just protecting him and his career, thinking that it would be for the best if he didn't know about Theodore. He was successful with what he did in life – the band, the music, the family that they had created, the messages they sent out into the world and of course, the dreams that they fulfilled and taught to strive for. And I was so afraid of ruining it, I was so afraid of him hating me if I would indeed ruin it all for him. I was so, so afraid of failing him. Guess I was wrong.

          "The Echelon knows about you," Vicki said lowering her gaze once again after the words left her mouth. The Echelon knew about me? How? What? Since when? How?

          The Echelon, as I learned from Vicki and the guys, and Constance, and even Ruby, was the band's family – some bands would call them fans, but the Echelon was something so much more. The support that the band received from their family all over the world was something I still couldn't wrap my mind around – so many people, so many different people were putting their faith in these boys – Shannon, Tomo and Jared. They believed in them, they let them fill their hearts with love and hope and in exchange they gave support and love, so much love. Those genuine feelings and emotions, I could only imagine what the concerts were like. What it felt like standing in front of the world, singing and getting the message across and feeling so many people joined, together in one place. The highest form of humanity, the most sacred emotions put in one … They were there for each other, they all were there for each other, supporting, standing up together, believing, breathing and living …

          "How?" I whispered, my voice small. It wasn't something I needed right now. I didn't need this, I didn't want this to happen. This was exactly what I was trying to avoid. I knew that I had to pack up my stuff and leave when I had the chance to do so … I knew that something would get out of control and now, when their family knew about me. Well, it was my doom.

          "Your pictures are all over the internet. You, me, Constance, Jared and you, everything." Vicki explained and I could sense the sympathy in her voice. It was now her time to offer comfort and I didn't know whether I would accept it. I couldn't do this, I couldn't be in this life I was forced to be in. What will happen now? My pictures all over the internet, what else was there? Did they knew about Theodore?

          I brought my gaze to Vicki, panic written all over my face, "Theodore? Do they know about him?" Please, let them not know. Please, let them leave me and my baby alone. I was not ready for this, this life was not for me.

          "I don't know if they know that it is Shannon's child, but … there are some pictures of you and the baby," Vicki smiled, trying to lighten up the mood, but I was too nervous, I was beyond nervous. This was so much worse than letting Shannon know about the baby. The people, the paparazzi …

          "I have to talk to Shannon," I said getting up from the bed and heading out of the room.

* * *

          "Who is Helena Mori?" She asked, her voice sickly sweet and I felt myself groan in annoyance. Why did she have to bring her up? Why was she even here?

          "Why are you here?" I sighed, rubbing my tired eyes. I didn't sleep well last night, hell, I couldn't sleep when all I had to think about was protecting Helena and Theodore from all of this mess.

          Jared and Emma, his assistant, announced the news last night – there were pictures of Helena all over the internet, everyone asking who the girl was. These people, these paparazzi, were so sick and twisted that somehow they managed to dig up her name and surname, knowing now that she was a part of the family and the little circle of friends that we had. There were pictures of her and Jared from what I assumed was last year, because she didn't have the belly yet, of her, Tomo, Vicki and Tonka. There were so many pictures of her that I thought it came to the point where it was too much. Why were they so interested in her? She was a nobody, well, at least to them and yet they wanted so desperately to know who Helena Mori was?

          And the worst part was that I actually managed to find these pictures, I managed to browse through at least a half of them last night, when it all came to the point where I couldn't sleep. Not even when I saw the pictures of her being pregnant – she was so small and the little bump was such a beautiful sight. Her dark hair cascading down her back, sometimes her clothes being a bit too big for her, other times dressy and beautiful, she was such a girly girl and I couldn't help but smile and wish I was there for her, to hold her and wonder how we would look together in those pictures. She was so beautiful and the smile on her face never seemed to cease. It suited her to be pregnant.

          "Answer my question, Shannon, who is she?" She was angry at me, I knew it, I knew Miranda like the back of my hand. She was so angry, but more than that she was hurt … I guess it was the thing that women's had – the intuition shit. I could lie about Helena, but what was the point of that? I was so exhausted of all the lies and all the shit going on.

          "She's the mother of my child, Miranda," I said not even trying to hide the fact. What was the point now, it would come out sooner or later … I just wished I wouldn't have to do this to Miranda. To all the people, she deserved it the less. I knew how much she wanted to have a family with me, I knew how much she loved me and it pained me so. It pained me that I didn't feel guilty at all, instead I felt good. I felt good that I was a father to Theodore and it felt so good to know that Helena was mine, well, almost.

          "What?" Miranda's voice cracked as she sat down beside me on the leather couch I had spent the last twenty-something hours on. Her bright blue eyes were filled with sorrow as I took her hands in mine, trying hard to save what's left of us.

          "It just happened," I whispered bringing her hands to my face, as I closed my eyes and whished so desperately to wake up from all of this mess. I wanted for life to be so much easier than this. I wanted for Helena to be mine, and I wanted to actually be there for her. I wanted to be the father that Theodore needed to have and I wanted to be … the man I was supposed to be.

          "It happened?" She laughed, pushing me away from her. "It just happened?" Miranda stood up in front of me, her form filled with anger and I understood her completely. I was supposed to be the one to start a family with her. I was supposed to be the man that she deserved to be with. I was supposed to be there for her, but … I wasn't and I didn't want to be that man. In the end he wasn't supposed to be me. It didn't feel right, it wasn't right.

          "Babies don't just happen, Shannon, otherwise we would have a dozen by now," she laughed bitterly, a sob escaping past her lips. I sighed rubbing my eyes once again, "I forgot to use a condom … and I was drunk." A pathetic excuse.

           "You forgot to use a condom? And you were drunk?" She shouted at me and I could hear her crying. "You never forgot to use a condom with me when you were drunk and here you were, fucking her without protection like there was no tomorrow! Why, Shannon, why?" Miranda's sobs grew with every shaky breath she took.

          "Because I love her, Miranda," I shouted in return standing on my feet in front of her. "Because I love her," the truth was so painful to hear, to say, as I saw her break in front of me. It pained me so much that I had to do this. I was such a douche to her, I was such an asshole. "I am so sorry Miranda, so fucking sorry you don't even know, but … I love Helena, I love her," I pleaded with Miranda, I pleaded for her to understand, but she had none of it.

          "You love her? You love her? Two years, Shannon, two years I strived for your attention, I strived for your love and so many years before. You knew I loved you, you fucking knew and here you are, announcing that you love that girl and that you have a child with her? How long did it take to forget me? Huh? A month? Few weeks? How long Shannon?" She shouted the hurt she felt inside and it stabbed me like the knife.

          How could I do this to her? How could I be so selfish and think that she would be okay with it? With all of this? How? Let alone, how could I forget about her so easily? It was like she was never there, like I never knew her with all the fuss going on and suddenly it all snapped.

          "You don't know what it has been like," I snapped at her, feeling my patience run dry. She was angry, she was hurt, but this was not necessary, this theater, this drama. How could she? "I didn't know about the baby until she was seven months pregnant. I didn't know about the baby and probably wouldn't if I decided against going back home, but you know, I had a feeling that I had to go back, like there was something here calling me … and you know what? I snapped! I fucking snapped, I fucking made my son be born prematurely and there was a chance that he wouldn't make it!" I felt my heartbeat increase, the thumping in my ears becoming almost violent as I looked down at the woman before me, confessing it all.

          "You know what I felt for those eight hours she was in the labor? I felt betrayed by my family, by my friends and most of all by her – a little fling, a mere woman who seduced me with her plainness. But above all that, I felt like a murderer, because I yelled at her, I made her feel all the pent up emotions I felt inside – all the anger and frustration, I let it all out on her and she was standing there, at her front door, green eyes blazing. She was so angry at me, she wanted to shout back at me, to stand her ground, but you know what she said to me when her emotions changed?" I laughed remembering the sight before my eyes. "My water broke, she said and it was all that it took to make me week in the knees."

          I was breathing heavily, replaying the images in my mind over and over again, forgetting about today, forgetting about all that I had to do and had to be. I was there, three months ago, reliving it all like a fucked up nightmare I couldn't wake up from.

          "I had no idea," a voice whispered and I shook my head, closing my eyes, suddenly feeling so tired. "It's okay, how could you?" I said siting back on the couch. "I'm just so sorry that you had to know it like that." And it was true, I was so sorry to hurt Miranda in the worst way I could. It was unimaginable.

          "I'm hurting, Shannon, I won't lie … But, I guess I always knew that it was not meant to be. The little voice in the back of my head kept repeating it, but I had you and I wanted so hard to be there with you, to be her …" Miranda sat down beside me and put her hand in mine, squeezing it tightly. "I'm so sorry," I whispered once again, ignoring the buzzing of the phone on the coffee table. The world could wait for a while.
Thank you so very much for spending your time and reading this, it means a lot!

Yours truly,
tofindyourself.
:heart:


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